Dear Peter,
（第一段：提出要求。1-2句）
I am writing to ask whether you are able to do favor.
（“让某人帮忙”可以表达成do sb. a favor. 可以改成：I am writing to ask whether you are able to do me a favor.）
（第二段：说明理由。5-7句）
I want to get a good pen friend. I would like you introduce a penfriend to me. (请求的内容要简洁明了，可以合并成一句话：I would like you to introduce a good pen pal to me.) First of all, She must be a girl in her early years. （没有说明原因，为什么找一个和我年龄相仿的笔友。可以改成：First of all, she must be a girl about my own age, who can communicate with me better than anyone else.）My hobby is traveling and playing badminton. For our communication, I hope she likes the things as I like. And I also like small pet. (这三句话表示希望笔友能有和我一样的爱好，但是是写的太零散了，逻辑性不强，最好用复合句来替换多个简单句。可以改成：Furthermore，she is supposed to have the same hobbies as mine, such as traveling, playing badminton, and raising small pets. 在表达时，注意先总后分，先说希望她拥有和我一样的爱好，再说这些爱好具体是什么。千万不要倒置次序。)
（第三段：重申要求。1-2句）
If you can help me finding an English penfiaend. that’s the best. (最好用这个句型：I would appreciate it very much if …, “如果……, 我将感激不尽。”可以改成：I would appreciate it very much if you can help me find an English pen friend.) I can write to her to know her culture and improve my English Maybe in holiday. I can go to her country for a travel. (这句话不应该出现在这里，把它作为我找笔友的第三条要求, 放到第二段的.末尾，就显的更合理一些。“了解”应该表达成：know about。整个句子可以改成：Finally，she is expected to be an English native speaker so that I can write to her to know about her culture and improve my English.)
I’ m looking forwards to your news. （很好！结语寒暄。）
Sincerely
Yours，
点评：
这篇文章总体写的不错！结构，内容没有问题。语言的组织力度不够强，第二段的逻辑层次有点乱。继续加油！作文上需要投入点时间和精力。刘晓伟的主页 | 查看全部日志
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